Oh my sweet bippy

Apparently, people have come under the impression that I've been doing drugs. And I supposedly have written something that has lead people to this conclusion. What have I written that brings this conclusion around? I'd really like to know. Perhaps I can't see it since I know what I've written and what I've meant when it was written.

However, my issues go beyond this. If you'd call me a good friend, why wouldn't you call to see how I'm doing, especially after being so "concerned" about my apparent drug use that you'd talk to other people about it. I've only found out after it's gone through three or four repetitions. Don't apologize when the opportunity to clear the situation up was obvious yet was entirely bypassed. This is my issue, and I've stopped sleeping, I'm so pissed. Fuck.

Good thing that's come from this? I've found who are truly good friends.

Hm. So, random thoughts for today.

I'm tired. I'm currently (although not for too much longer) the program coordinator for a ministry here in Calgary, TEC. That means I try to keep the community doing stuff and enjoying themselves in between the two TEC weekends a year. I'm done as of the end of January.

People within the community say how it's dying and it needs to be revived and toss around idea's about how to revive it. Even the Steering Committee (oh man, do you realize how many issues I have being on that? With that name? Damn, I feel bad for me) talks a great game. But they don't do jack. A few of us show up to do stuff but the meetings were sitting and talking. Maybe they're different now, but I stopped going, first out of some personal issues I had to straighten out and then because I got frustrated.

So now, we're trying to change the way things are done. And no one cares. Where did all the vehement, opinionated and passionate people go? It's kind of like entering a room that had all sorts of great idea's and loud noises coming out of it, and then when you come in you realize that there's no one. Hence, *blink blink* where'd everybody go?

I really want to say something at the meeting in which the new officers are voted in. I truly wish that I could. Maybe I'll get the chance. Maybe I'll actually have the balls to say what I need to.

Anyway, I suppose that's it. I'm tired, and frustrated and extremely disheartened. How I truly wish my head were full of mush.

Seriously, check out this link and follow their links. Oh man...

http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/009648.html#009648

Let me know if that doesn't work, and I'll get you the straight dope, it's good and worth the read.

Here is a portion of the short story I've been writing. I really don't have a title for it as of yet, I'll come up with one later. This is a 3rd draft, not finished yet. Once I'm done entirely editing it, I'll post most of the finished deal. Anyways, without further ado, here it is:

Hm. So, apparently, I've changed a lot.

I disagree with that, I don't think I have. I think I've been growing, and I kinda like the person I'm becoming. Faith is still important to me, but I grew tired of talking at people. Decided to do something else, rather than ministry. So, I'm taking a gander at Journalism or Education, or possibly even Graphic Design. Cause then, I could make all of my own comics! And still, hoping and dreaming that people would start paying me to write stories.

Anyway, I don't think I've become someone I shouldn't. I think I've just become someone. You've heard the phrase "actions speak louder than words"? I agree with that to a point, but I also believe that motive and heart is more important and speaks louder than words or actions. Intent.

My heart hasn't changed, I still love my God. But my actions have, to being less of a Bible thumper (Lord, I hope) and being more of a person that interacts and is involved in the world and decided to stop beating himself up over stupid crap.

Anyway, this'll be slightly more relevant to folks involved in it.

P.S. Who is this "YOU" I keep writing to? Who are all of you, folks who actually read this? Is it just squanky? Or are there some anonymous folks too? Cause you can reply to stuff as well, it'd do me good to know that some other folks do actually read this.

So, growing up I never really had any gaming systems and desperately wanted them. Any time I had an opportunity to play I'd jump right on it. Then, roomies had gaming systems and I fell in love with all platforms available now. Except the N-Gage, I never played it and really have no inclination to do so.

I bought a PS2 the other day and have recently started playing God of War. Wow, hot damn, I almost creamed myself it was so much fun to play. I got to hack and slash stuff and kill a hydra. Then the puzzle stuff started and my adrenaline was pumping from brutally murdering dozens of soldiers, then it crashed because it was a puzzle thing. I became very sad. But then happy again because I got to hack and slash again. And I've only gotten through the first level so far since I didn't start playing it until late last night. So I'm undecided on how I'll ultimately feel about the game. So far, it's good and a hell of a lot of fun...except for the puzzles.

On another note, I've been playing Chrono Trigger, freaking amazing. I played it before, years ago on the SNES, but now my house mate Nathan owns it on a PS2 disc. And I was happy.

That's about all, I'm gonna go eat some greasy fast food. Mmm mmm good.

What is it about even the thought of giving that makes my insides tingle? Unless it's that pesky ringworm...hold on, let me check...

Nope, no ringworm, turns out I've been living a lie all this time. Now what to do? Oh yes, back to charity.

My office is sponsoring Inn From The Cold this year, which is an absolutely amazing charity. It's for homeless folk, but not jobless. Families travel around with Inn From The Cold because they can't afford a home. So, we're giving gifts to the kidlets involved.

Let me double check their website and I'll inform as to whether or not this is the accurate description and to give more details on the group...

So, it turns out that I've got the basics down with this group. However, there is more. Every night of the week, they provide the families and individuals in this group with a place to stay. It's different every night, but safe. They give priority to families first, then single women and then men. People that they know to be problematic or with mental illnesses are referred to other agencies. At first glance, that read as slightly harsh, but it makes sense. They seem to be mostly concerned with providing a place for children instead of them becoming homeless. They receive a hot meal that evening, and a place to sleep. In the morning, they receive breakfast and a bag lunch before going off to what they do during the day. Apparently, the children all go to school and the parents off to work, I guess trying to have a normal life.

Anyway, here is the link to the main website so you can read for yourself: http://www.innfromthecold.org/

I normally, as a rule, don't give to charity. I'm pretty selfish that way, I suppose, and rarely have enough to live on myself (although I could do with some more control over my finances, that's something else entirely) but I'm actually going to give to this charity. We're giving away gifts to the children involved, so I'm going to be purchasing some books for them, and hopefully make as much of a donation as I'm able to.

Truly, I mean this from the bottom of my heart: May God bless you and yours, and may He keep all of you safe.

Sean

Fundamentalist bastards...gah. They've got webpages...and are asking for donations! Don't feed them! I'm pretty sure my annoying little email messages just make them feel far more self-righteous than they did a little while before. Good Lord.

Let's just blow them all up.

So, I recently read a review of Beowulf, the new movie by Roger Avary and Neil Gaiman, directed by Robert Zemeckis. I freaking love Neil Gaiman, and if I had the temperment, or the inclination, or the money or was just not as lazy as I am, I'd probably stalk him. Not really, but kinda. I'll stick to reading his books and watching the movies he writes. Anyways. The movie critic: http://www.capalert.com/capreports/beowulf.htm is entirely on crack. I laughed so freaking hard. This site is a "Christian" movie review site that reviews movies for CHILDREN. For those of you who have read Beowulf, you'll know that dear God, it's not WRITTEN FOR CHILDREN!

So, because I enjoy pointing out the idiocy of people (especially because I so rarely get a chance to do so) I had to write the reviewer guy an email. Here is my email and his reply. I do apologize for some of the words I used, I wrote it in a hurry while sitting in my cubicle.


MY EMAIL TO HIM:

So, what do you say to those who acknowledge that this movie is true, exceedingly true, to the classic epic poem? Or that, while the Bible is Truth, there is also Truth outside of the Bible? I¹d argue that quoting scripture is not thinking for yourself, but I don¹t think that would do anything, you¹d dismiss the argument completely.



One of the many many things that made me laugh while reading your review was the fact that you¹ve entirely missed the point of this movie. It¹s satirical sir, it¹s a new way of viewing the epic tale of Beowulf. I don¹t know if you have read this poem, I have, many times.



Now, I know that subtle humor is lost on a good number of folks, which is sad and speaks volumes to the decline in intelligent thought in our culture, but this movie is all about the subtle humor. I won¹t paint it for you, you can go and exercise your brain, try to find it.



Have you ever wondered why people dislike, even loathe Christian¹s today? It¹s because of attitudes like this. You say it¹s ³quite probably the most heinous culprit for stealing childhood from children ever made². Sir, both the poem and the movie are not children¹s tales. Know your stories before you go making accusations such as this. Yeah, it¹s not appropriate for children. I haven¹t seen it marketed for children. Don¹t let your children see it. Problem solved.


Christian¹s, as a group of people, tend to be the most amazingly and astonishingly narrow minded people I have ever had the misfortune to meet. Consider an alternate viewpoint, apply logic to your world instead of just quoting scripture at it in the vain hope and belief that a few words out of a Holy Book (of which there are many others in the world that other people believe in just as firmly) will make people think the same as you. God placed us on this Earth, He gave us His words, but He also gave us brains for a reason. Use yours, I implore you, instead of spewing meaningless and empty-headed garbage out of your mouth. Are you truly so threatened by something that is obviously not made for a Christian audience? Oh no! A secular movie! Watch out, it¹ll get you while you sleep children.


HIS REPLY:
I'll give you a reply when I find the time to address useless tripe, Sean. Don't hold your breath, though.

So, my job is shipper/receiver for Honeywell. I'm a glorified mail boy, but it's ok since most folks leave me alone. But one lady came to me yesterday, five minutes before the shipments for the day were leaving and hands me tells me that she needs a box sent out. She just gives me an address. So I'm like, ok, I can handle that. So I take a look at what she's shipping. It's a big fucking box. Again, I'm like, ok no sweat. Then I look at the address that it's going to. It's in New Jersey. Then I started to swear.

Anytime something is being shipped over the border that's not documents, I need price's (commercial value and actual value, etc) and a full list of what's being shipped. So I track the lady down and ask her the relevant questions, ie what's in the box and how much is it worth, commercial value? She says office supplies, so I look inside the box and it's a shit load of multiple kinds of office supplies. Binders, whiteboard markers, Post it pads, masking tape, and stopwatches. The kicker is that a bunch of them have been used. She's shipping used office supplies to some fucker in Jersey. I just sat down and said "fuck it, I'm done."

Stupid person...gah.

I just figured out what creeps me out about my work. It's a few things really. One, that I'm getting paid to sit on my ass and read webcomics. Although that's kinda cool.

Two though, the receptionist. She's nice, and always happy or something. But her voice creeps me out. She has a "fuck-me" voice, and it's always disconcerting when she calls my extension to ask me to come pick something up from the front of the building. She has a really breathy, husky voice. Fortunately, it's not just with me that she uses this voice, it's everyone. But she's old enough to be my Mom and I don't need that image. It's so wrong.

So now, I'm going to find an electric drill and try to remove that image from my brain. Gross.

The Christmas ad's have begun...

I need a new tv now. Apparently shoes and television screens do not go well. And Old Navy ad's, you'd think that the only direction that they could go would be up...but you'd be wrong.

Watched the Cowboy Bebop movie last night. It's pretty righteous, and I'm gonna have to watch the series now. Which is upsettling since I have a list of anime to buy and no money's with which to do so. Here's the list:

1. Ghost in the Shell (ALL OF IT)
2. Witch Hunter Robin (God I love this series)
3. Full Metal Alchemist

and now,
4. Cowboy Bebop.

Le sigh. Stupid money.

A draft of my short story is finished. Now to edit. Good lord, I'm actually really really enjoying this.

So my job requires me to dress "business casual" which tends to be collared shirts. I don't do collared shirts well, I don't dress up well. The person who is me does not like these things. Collared shirts should burn in hell.

But not my job, I enjoy it cause most people leave me alone.

Suck. For the most part. There are some that are pretty cool. However, for some fun and hopefully some giggles, check out this website: http://www.pipelinenews.org/bbs/gothbush.html


Been growing closer with some friends, finding fun new ones which is always really cool. Growing a bit, which is also pretty groovy. Faith stuff is maturing, changing. Questioning a lot of the commonly held idea's that Christian's have, and as a result I've slowly come to the point where most Christian's now wouldn't call me a Christian. I still love Jesus though, even though I drink a little...and sleep with my girlfriend...and smoke...and curse...and do other assorted things that my Christian friends frown upon. Too bad.

Anyways, went to a local author's reading thing a few weeks ago. I've been really feeling that itch to start writing again. Have some fun idea's that I'm getting pretty passionate about, been writing them at work. Anyway, the local author wrote the play "Cocktails", which is a response to the "Vagina Monologues". It's Calgary's longest running play, and I don't know what to make of that. The statement amuses me more than anything else I suppose. I digress. He's writing a new play, something autobiographical and has been doing readings as a work-in-progress. So, my roomie Nathan and I are with some artist friends of ours and we both pull out some paper and start writing as he's reading. To be honest, it wasn't that great, I stopped listening and focused on what was running through my head.

While we were writing, a guy came up and leaned his face into mine, stopping about an inch away. He'd been drinking heavily, mostly martini's I think. He gave me his card and was trying to get me to ask questions, which I did not want to do. He repeated this three times. What was really funny was that he only came up to me, even though Nathan was writing and Sarah was drawing. Just me. I was confused as to why I was being singled out until the rest of the table informed me that he had a man crush on me. Creepy.

His card was burnt in effigy.

So, I'm trying to write a story, and I'm trying to write without coming across as a complete wanker, which I seem to do most of the time. Even on here. Stupid. Gah. On the extremely off chance that someone still reads this, does anyone have any ideas?

Wow, been a long time since I've posted here. Cory, you are one hundred percent right, myspace is a tool of the devil. Stupid thing.

Anyway, to subjects of importance to no one but me.

I'm finding myself more and more disagreeing with established religion. I'm actually coming to loathe it. The idea in general is fundamentally flawed. Religion exists to try to explain something unexplainable, and there lies the flaw.

I'm finding as well that I'm taking issue with the Christian Church's statement of: "We as human's are not good enough, we suck". Didn't God stop creating after humanity? We are God's crowning achievement. Yeah, we screw everything up more often than we get it right. That's free will baby, hell yeah! Extended lifetime warranty included, no extra charge. But it doesn't give us licence to call that down.

I'm a firm believer in humanity. I'm also a firm believer in making this life count. A lot of Christian thought goes into focusing on the hereafter. "Do you know where you're gonna go when you die?" and "Just wait'll we get to Heaven!" and all things, making this life that we have now immaterial. We obviously have a purpose here, otherwise we wouldn't be here. Sorry, that's obvious in my perspective, stemming from my faith. However.

Life, here, is short. Brief. A mere fart in time's line or loop or some such thing. I'm gonna live it as best as I can.

By the way, first tattoo coming this week, so stoked. And I just bought a hell of a lot of new books. Including H.P. Lovecraft, this man was amazing.

Life has changed a lot recently. Alex and I ended, and it's affected me in some weird, scary and odd ways. I'm dating Nola now, and that's good.

I'm scared, in general. I'm terrified, of where my life is going, whether I'm going to let people down again. And really, I'm tired of it. Of letting people down.

Can a person truly change? Can a leopard change it's spots?

I don't know. All I know is that I have to grow up and change. And it hurts. It's weird, but it feels like this wicked huge wall has sprung up inside me, and all my pain, all of my tears are hiding behind it and I'm presenting a front to the world. But the worst part? I want to cry, I want to release and have closure...but I can't. Bah.

Thought: Judas. In order for Christ to be crucified and resurrected, Judas had to do what he did. And he truly did feel remorse, afterwards. So much so that he hung himself. But if he hadn't betrayed Christ, there would be no salvation....interesting. What to do with that? I have no clue.

Oh what a deliciously white trash day! Today I went tubing up the Elbow River, from Sandy Beach to the Zoo. Halfway through, we decided to stop for lunch, so my friend Graham and I got a butt load of fried chicken. So, we go floating again. Now, we are floating in 16 inch truck tire tubes, four of us, with fried chicken. We were lacking Lucky beers, that would've made it completely white-trash. My neck is a bit redder now...

So, I'm sitting here at home reading other people's blogs and I'm thinking. Scary, I know. But I got to thinking about my hero's and my friends.

I constantly compare myself to others. I truly do wish I was more virtous (nonsensical? possibly, if so let me know). I get down on myself all the time, it's pretty brutal. I wish sometimes that I could be more like Laurel, or Ian or Trevor or Ken. Even Justin and Adrian I wish I was more like. All of my friends, in some way, I want to be like them. However, those people already listed, I want to impact people the same way, or in other ways. Or have as good money management skills. Leslie, I wish I could write like you do.

But then, I look at my kids. I taught Sunday School this morning since Laurel is on vacation. And I look at Peter McKenzie, and I remember Miles. Greener, Triggifer, Wilkes, Braeden, Brittany aka Phil, Paul, Andrew...the list goes on. And I realize that these kids look up to me...and it makes me cry. Miles cried when I left California. I looked up from where I was sitting after telling my Jr. Highers that I was leaving and here is this sweet kid that I've only known for four to five months. He's kneeling on the ground, hands clasped in front of him, shaking with sobs. I got up and went to him and held him. All because I was leaving. Just writing this is bringing tears back to my eyes.

And I realize that these people I want to be like, I want to be like them because in some way, God has worked through them in my life. And believe me, there are so many others out there. If I know you and you are reading this, then I have had this thought about you at some point. God has worked through you in my life. And my kids, they have seen the same things. And that, ultimately, is why I get out of bed in the morning, and do what I do.



Above and beyond all of this I want something else. To desperately, passionately, intensely be in love with God. I want this to fill me to bursting, and I don't feel it right now. And it makes me sad. However, I also know that it may not be a constant "feeling" thing, and that may never happen in my life. It may just be the way I am constructed, I don't know. I know that I cannot sustain intense feelings, but it doesn't mean that I do not love deeply. I don't know if I'm making sense, so I'm gonna go. I'm definately procrastinating at the moment. God bless, and again, peace be with you.

Sean